Resumo de My Wife & Me,lost 8 Years

I am starting to see who I am.
I want to change it. I know I can and have started to read about how to do it. It will take time and a lot of work but I can?t go on living a life where I treat the closest person to me poorly. Right on all counts, and good for you!
I have been emotionally abusing my wife for at least 8 years. I had no idea I was doing it. Yes! Too often people behave abusively without a clue that they're doing it, and don't really hear it or understand how big it is when it's expressed by the partner. Many of the men and women I work with who have been verbally / emotionally abused can't believe that the partner didn't know they were doing it or weren't being abusive on purpose. But, it is true! Many if not most abusive people have a hard time understanding that they are abusive! It wasn?t until she spoke up and left me that I started to even understand what the term meant. Yes. Now when I really look at it, I was constantly taking frustration out on her and yelling at her when she didn?t agree or do things my way. I have made her life a living hell, and she covered it up with smiles and love. I'm glad you see what you did in retrospect. She was likely hiding her feelings and smiling because she was trying to keep the peace. Although I thought I was returning the love, I know now that someone who loves someone doesn?t treat her (or him) with disrespect and control. You bet!
I was always controlling everything ? the food we ate, how it was cooked, the movies we watched, the money we spent, how she talked on the phone. I was always listening for mistakes and pointing them out to her. Thinking that you were helping her, no doubt. Correcting her. And I would get upset when she didn?t take my suggestions, as if I?m the only one that counted. Right. And her fear of your anger and/or her inability to speak up clearly and forcefully, combined with your difficulty in hearing her kept things status quo.
And here I am. Deeply regretting my behavior over the past 8 years. Sick to my stomach over who I am (better to say over how I behave) and desperate for a change. Good! I looked up "verbal abuse" on the web to find so much literature and chat groups. I stumbled on Dr. Irene?s website and was astonished at the information and experiences. I couldn?t believe how many people go through this everyday. Amazing, isn't it?
As soon as she returned back to her parents' house (in another Country) the memories flooded her. Yes. Over the past few days she sent several hateful e-mails and one phone call that made my stomach curdle. She compared our relationship to eating a great banana pie and finding a toe at the bottom of it. She yelled at me and reminded me of several times when I miss-treated her. I'm glad she's telling you this stuff. And you're listening. That is very good. I have never heard my wife this angry. She needed to vent. I needed to hear it. At times I tried to respond but then I realized I should stop talking and only listen. Correct.
This has been the most painful experience of my life and I wish I could turn back time to stop myself 8 years ago - but I know I cant. My wife is filled with rage and it is directed towards me, and although it is hard to hear ? I can?t imagine how hard it is for her to feel these feelings. Anger management should help you learn some needed cognitive and behavioral skills, while some of the more spiritually oriented books will help you learn to be kinder and gentler to the Self, as well as less judgmental and and more tolerant of the totality of you. You may not like parts of yourself (such as your fears, your insecurities, your biases, etc.), but you do need to accept these pieces.
Becoming less judgmental and loving towards yourself makes it easier to be more tolerate and accepting of other.
You want to get to where you are not only accepting of the Self, but accepting and respectful of the other person's Self. Their right to make their own choices. Loving someone iem to grow in their own direction, even if - especially if - you think they are wrong or if you think you know a better way for them. Loving is about encouraging your partner's growth without reacting to your own fear of how their growth may affect you. Live and let live.

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