Grumpy Old Man, A Manual For The British Malcontent
(David Quantick)
DavidQuantick?s Grumpy Old Men: a Manualfor the British MalcontentQuotes: ?The weather here is shocking. It rains in summer, it snows in spring, itfloods in autumn and it?s unspeakable in winter?like living in a cold swamp. Foreigners notice that we talk about theweather quite a lot?nervously, as the people of a village terrorized by a wolfor a serial killer,? where live ?243 people per square kilometer! Never mind enough room to swing a cat, that?snot enough room to frisk a cockroach,? resulting in what ?real scientists, withleather elbow patches? call Irritable Male Syndrome with symptoms of?depression, loss of energy, loss of self-esteem, reduced libido, irritability?and one ?eminent urologist (now there?s a job to make you grumpy)? calls indistinguishablefrom old age. Therefore, ?as ourtestosterone levels go off to join the dodo, the passenger pigeon and decentplays on BBC1, it is going to get more and more rubbish being a Man these days. Sexual equality in relationships means we canno longer roll home drunk at lunchtime and expect a roast dinner and all theironing done?.This in turn is worsened by a tide of new technologies whichleaves many of us feeling like Piltdown man on a stupid day? (p9). He lists these things to grumble about: Cinemas are small, so ?the screen isso small that people think they?re watching the telly with 75 strangers?.thefloor is strewn with trodden-in food, sticky with spilt soft drinks, and adeath trap for people liable to slipping on popcorn. And the people!?.laugh at jokes some tenminutes after the joke has been told?explain the movie?s simple plot to theireven simpler friends?smell of carrot cake.The soft drinks are the size of nuclear power station cooling tanks (andjust as radioactive). The popcorn lookslike the grain harvest of a small Asian nation? (p12). Theatresare old and ?theatre designers spent so much time on the rococo balustrades andfiligree whatnottery that they obviously forgot to put the seats in?.the RoyalBox is, literally, a box? (p17).
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