Resumo de The Black Thoughts (part 1)

The sun is not raised yet, it is has just five a clock of the morning. I put the hand on my package of cigarette. The first cigarette of the day, not the best but I nevertheless will smoke my two packages in the day. There has been a coffee odor which floats in the surface, my percolator runs for two minutes, just per hour or I programmed it. I prepare my coffee before going to the bed, in this manner I can awake and the coffee is already ready. I will seek myself a coffee and returns in my room to see my e-mail and to read the newspapers of the day on the Web.
I go in the bathroom to take in pharmacy, my anti-pains which I have had to take at each day for four years already continuation has an industrial accident. I am not in very good health and yet I do not pay attention for as much. I smoke too much, and I drink much alcohol, without telling the antidepressant which I must swallow before sleeping. The sleepless nights are increasingly frequent but I believe that all that put together is quite simply normal since I suffer from pains twenty four hour per day and that the doctors do not arrive has to stabilize my state. I am tired as if I worked during ten eight hours on line without me to rest. Therefore, my routine of the morning finished, I go has the kitchen to try to eat something, but as at each morning I am satisfied with another coffee. Outside, the temperature is medic. Then I take the way of the office by my car.
Normally it is in this manner that my days start, except this morning or all rocked. I awoke very early, I was panicked and in sweat of the head to the feet. I seek my cigarettes but the package is empty. I go to the kitchen to seek a new package which I keep in reserve. My percolator starts have to run the coffee, at least it there a thing which occurs like has the practice. I light my cigarette, but I have sorrow to breathe then I launch it in the bowl of toilet. I need one calming, my pharmacy is filled by it. I take one calming with my other drugs against the pain and I turn to the kitchen to take a coffee cup which I bring it to my room to sleep.
I open my portable to read my e-mail as has each morning but I am not able to concentrate me on anything. I look at the hour on the dial, there remain to me only a few minutes before leaving for work and I am not even prepared. I feel to beat the heart in the head, I look at myself the hands, and they are tickled and white. I am in a state of panic, and as I did not expect it, an idea comes me to mind, I am not able any more to face at my problems, as well to die. I have the tied stomach and moral the flinched; I have bottoms as ever I did not have in my life. I am suddenly very afraid to die; I wonder when I will die. However I have black thoughts.

I try to join my doctor to have one return with him or another doctor of his private clinic in as much as I see somebody. The line is engaged, it is always the same history with the telephone, lives the computers and e-mail. I am made run a hot bath to try to calm me. I am sinking in a depression and if I do not awake quickly, I will find myself in a wall. I never thought of the suicide, why this morning nothing does go? Is there really something after the life? I hope that we are not on ground for nothing, for quite simply finishing in a hole after having worked all our life like a good for only one thing, the money and also comfort. Things really stupid if have looks around oneself and that the only thing which is important is to be happy. Money does not create happiness but without money happiness it is what? I am not even able to take a bath; I have too many ideas which run in my head. All goes so much quickly that I lose my logic. Nothing any more has one sens, I am at the point where I will to be at six feet under ground.

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